Tonight's plans

This was us on the Metro going to DC to look at the Christmas tree. It makes me happy just looking at it.

Here are my plans for the night:

• Make dinner
• Measure the kitchen table for a table runner
• Sew a table runner for the kitchen table and maybe coffee table too
• Plan dinner for tomorrow night...chicken crock pot meal maybe?
• Make or plan to bake cookies for tomorrow night
• Start making a list for Christmas cards

I have so much more to do, but that's all I can do tonight if even all of that seeing as I work late.

Weekend Recap

This weekend was incredible! We went to D.C. to see the Christmas tree on Saturday after lounging around in the morning and some quick shopping before the trip. And we had our first snow of the season...a good 5-6 inches! Needless to say, Phil was super happy about that cause the boy loves snow! I'll have to post some pictures up later because for some reason it is not working right now.

Sunday was great too despite the fact that we were exhausted from walking around the night before. The snow was still out and even though all we wanted to do was to lounge around the house all day we still went to church and boy were we blessed! Phil was finally able to have some peace about the relationship and was thinking about the future in a positive way! Praise the Lord!

Sunday night I went with Mom to the women's tea at the church like we did last year. It was a great time with Phil's family and a couple of friends and was nice to have just the women there.

I was able to get a few decorations today and put them up around the apartment. I only wanted a few to make it feel more holiday like and like it is my "home" so I'm super happy we were able to get it done!

Here's where we're at...

Earlier I went over to Phil's house to sort through the votives that were given to me by a friend for our wedding...you know, the one that is impending so many things right now. When I went over his mom and I started talking.

We talked about our situation and how neither of us know what to do. We both agree that the relationship is a good thing for both of us and that it is frustrating that he doesn't see it yet. We talked a lot. Then dad came upstairs and joined in the fun!

Dad was very animated and gave his two cents (as he usually does). He agrees with us about the situation and really thinks it is time for Phil to see the reality of the situation. Apparently the whole family...Dad, Mom, Adam, Jen, and Gram all think we are going to get married. They all think it is a good thing and that is where we are headed. I thought so too until he couldn't even bare the thought of looking at rings and moving the relationship further.

We all know what is happening and why, but the reality of the situation is that he needs to figure it out for himself. I sometimes feel like banging my head against a wall and I overanalyze the situation until I can no longer think about it. Then I do it some more.

I don't know what to do because he wants to hear from other people what they think, but when they tell him he argues this, that, and the other because it's not what he wanted to hear.

Bottom line is that he wants what is in his mind the "perfect relationship" with the "perfect girl." I am not his idea of a "perfect girl" even though we fit perfectly together so he continues to obsess and overanalyze the situation and try to rationalize why it can't work and why it won't work.

There has to be a point where he sees that his ideas of "perfect" will leave him unhappy and bored. The pastor tried to tell him, a counselor tried to tell him, and I did too.

I guess he's just going to have to figure it out on his own.

Some Good Things

I must admit that I absolutely love the holiday season. It's much different over on the East Coast where it actually snows from where I'm from in Southern California. There's just something about the cool, crisp air with the lights, decorations, and christmas music that really makes it magical to me. Or perhaps, it has to do with the fact that I worked at Disneyland for a while and seeing the magic of chrismas there was spectacular.

The past couple of days I have been busy with having a friend over for dinner and a movie and cleaning up/organizing my apartment. I had been too busy the past two months being over at Phil's every day to be able to really do anything there. Hopefully I can get it done tonight and tomorrow and feel more happy and comfortable.

This separate time we are spending apart is really helping me to focus on me. It's hard on one hand, but good because I can get what I need done and not worry so much about what I need to do for him all the time. It's going to be an adjustment, but it will be good for us.

Phil has been praying the past two nights that this time will really bring out his feelings and that it will be a strengthening time for us and we can use it as a stepping stone for the future in our relationship. He wants it to work and I am determined to be as supportive as possible so that he can realize it for himself.

So, here's to the holiday season that is upon us...hopefully I will get a lot done and really be able to decorate a bit and make it my own!

Love Conquers All

It has overall been a good day and I am looking forward to my friend coming over tonight for dinner...yay! The only thing is that I can't help but think that my relationship feels weird right now. When I left on Monday after talking with the pastor I was hurt and upset. I didn't know how to respond to him on any level. I couldn't even look him in the eye. Now I am faced with spending at least three days without him not being able to hug or kiss him and let him know that it's ok. We can still talk on the phone, text, and email, but it's not the same as putting your arms around someone you love.

At this point I'm not sure I will even see him before Sunday morning before church. He's still calling me, but it's for shorter amounts of time and it's awkward. I'm really not sure what to say because I was instructed to back off and let him figure things out so I am trying very hard not to talk about it even though all I want to do is tell him that I love him and figure things out. I'm not so great at this whole not being in control and having patience thing. lol.

I'm honestly hoping and praying (along with many, many other people) that he figures out soon what a great addition I am in his life. I know he loves me, but he's too distracted with fear to be able to feel what has been hidden for so long.

Here's to continued faith and continuing to have good days and know that God meant it when he said love conquers all.

New Hope

Today I woke up in the best mood ever. I was filled with hope, reasurrance, peace, and comfort. I spent all day yesterday praying and mulling over the situation that we are faced with. I agree that he needs to really want to be with me more than anything else and that spending time apart will hopefully help with that. It's the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" mentality.

So, last night I did not go over to his house. Instead, I went grocery shopping, went home, put the groceries away, did the dishes, put clothes away, put blankets away, found all of the empty/half drank water bottles and started the decluttering process. I then took a bath and watched a movie in bed with my electric blanket after a nice phone call from a great friend.

Tonight I'm having a friend over to make dinner and just hang out. I'm not sure how to handle tomorrow, but Phil's mom said she would drop off my school book if I need her too. The one problem is that I'm not sure how much time to spend apart. I have a difficult time figuring it out. For me, it's either we spend more time together or more time apart--it's like two extremes.

We have so many people praying for us and I really feel so blessed. I am trying my best to wait on the Lord and be patient. It gets to me sometimes, but apparently this is one of the lessons God is trying to teach me.

Recent Feelings

I feel lost. I'm not sure what to really feel right now. I have hope still, but feel lost all the same. I have no idea what to do and how to act. It has been confirmed by our pastor that we definitely are compatible. He also said that he sees it working out and that the feelings I want Phil to have for me are there. I just wonder why he can't see it. To everyone else it is obvious, but to him, it is all clouded. I know he's scared and that's ok, but there comes a point where you sit there and see all of the things staring back at you. The realization needs to come and I am not to force it, it is something he must figure out on his own. We are supposed to have some time in the near future to spend apart, not from the relationship, but physically from each other. This is all in hopes that he figures out the answers he is looking for. I'm afraid it won't work and that he will be so confused. I don't think he realizes how good he has it and what he would do without me. I am hoping this is what comes about from the spending time apart. His mom seems to think that I have been really good for him and that he has grown so much and is a lot happier with me in his life. I want him to see that too. I am tired of hoping. Tired of praying. Tired of trying to figure it all out. I am at the last strand of the rope. I have given it up to God and tried to fix it still. This time I'm too exhausted to fight it and try to fix it all. God, you can have it, please take this from me. I love him with all of my heart and I know that he loves me. Give him the realization and assurance he needs. Show him the way, Father. Guide us on your path and let us not be lost anymore. Amen.