Meltdowns and Victories

I swear, every time I try to eat healthier it just backfires on me and I end up feeling like I'm starving all day...no matter what I eat. It sucks, really it does. So, despite my positive efforts yesterday, it happened once again. All day I tried to keep a positive attitude, in fact, the girls yesterday told me, "You're in a good mood today" when I picked them up from school. Unfortunately when the hunger kicks in hard, you can only imagine how long that "good mood" can last. Still, I tried to make the best of it. Until the unexpected happened.

Phil and I went to the store last night to get me a fan for my room. I am trying to be super frugal with my job ending in June and not wanting to spend tons of money on utilities which means no air conditioning. It worked out well last summer and I used a portable air conditioner only when it was too humid in the apartment to get it manageable, then went back to the fan. So, here we are walking down the aisles looking for fans, I am hungry as all get out and the oldest girl I watch gave me a really rough afternoon yesterday. We see the aisle of fans and he goes to the small "personal fans" while I was thinking more of a standing oscillating fan. Now, I'm pretty open-minded since he's paying for it and all and trying to be cool about it, but there are so many freakin' fans that I get completely overwhelmed. I'm hungry, anxious, overwhelmed, and a getting a bit angsty as to why it can't just be easier to pick a fan. So, what do I do? I sat down on the open shelf and try not to cry. Yes, cry. Because apparently that's how I handle things. Luckily, it's not the balling type of crying more like the silent, short, why the heck are tears even coming out, sort of a cry.

Poor Phil. He's standing there not knowing what to do and once we finally get a fan he offers to get me something from McDonalds so that I can stop feeling like crap. Since I'm really trying to eat healthier I decided to forgo the fast food and we went to my apartment to drop off the stuff and so I could eat some dinner only to still be hungry...again. So, once we got back to his house I grabbed a glass of milk and a tub of grapes. I sat there watching tv and on the internet eating grapes until the feeling of starvation went away. Well, by the time that happened the whole tub of grapes was almost gone and when Phil came back from his shower and saw that he busted out laughing!

The best part about it all is that when I stepped on the scale this morning, it said that I've dropped 1.6 pounds! That is the first time the scale has moved down in over two months!!! I'm thinking it was a victory!

I Am Slowly Driving Him Crazy

Seeing as I am somewhat interested completely obsessed with getting engaged and married, it has come to pass that I am driving my boyfriend crazy with all of the ring/wedding talk. This, of course, means that unless I can stop and bring it to a more manageable level, there will probably be no ring.

This whole thing has been very difficult to me. When Phil and I started dating God told me he is to be my husband. I have this innate sense of feeling/knowing things that God tells me. At first I sat there completely stunned. We had only been going out about a month or so, but considering many other things in my life where God has told me what was going to happen, I didn't question it instead I told him. Note--this was probably not the best idea seeing as we were still new in the relationship and the thought of committing to one person who is different than you makes him a nervous wreck.

It was something we talked about over the relationship, mostly because of me, I'll admit, but we still talked about it anyway. At the three month dating mark, people started asking us when we were going to get married. It wasn't just people we knew, but strangers too. It happened all the time. This continued for quite some time and finally stopped when I sat there and asked some friends to stop talking about it. You see, when people start talking about us getting married/engaged, I totally obsess about it and can't stop thinking and talking about it.

Things died down for a while, but the past couple of months since Phil started his new job more people have been asking again. Of course with the new job I began to think that it was now an actual possibility. He was taking it all very well until recently. I have been talking about rings, weddings, marriage, and engagement EVERY DAY for the past two months.

For the most part, he seemed ok with it and even he had a little sense of this could actually happen. We set a time-frame for when to get engaged and married and I even told my parents who were inquiring. He even let me talk about it with my friends because he said that we had discussed it and it was our plan and he was ok with it.

I was all excited and we even made plans to go look at rings this Wednesday. I've been estatic and have even held off from asking him to go look anywhere else. Baby steps, right? But last night it seems it has all come to a head. I have been putting too much pressure on him and he is feeling completely overwhelmed. I no longer know about our time-frame and I'm not even sure if we are going to look at rings on Wednesday.

I did my best to stop talking about it immediately and apologized completely for my craziness with it all. It's not that I just want to be married, it's that I've found everything I need/want in him and that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

So, for now I have to do whatever it takes to not talk to him about it no matter how cool with it he seems. He said there is still a possibility for Wednesday, but we'll just have to see how he feels by then. He was happy with me not talking about it last night and was relieved to have the pressure off. He's still thinking of the same time-frame-ish, but I just need to calm all of the wedding talk down for both of us.

If anyone has any suggestions please let me know.