High Maintenance

Hi, my name is Kate, and I have a high maintenance (high needs) baby.

So many times I'm reading other mom's blog, twitter, and IG posts and see that they are writing that they have a happy, content baby. And you know what, that makes me happy. Everyone wants to have that baby who is easily entertained and you can go throughout your day with minimal fussiness. But, you know what? That's not the case over here.

Don't get me wrong, I love my little guy and he is super cute and sleeps a lot, but he's honestly a fuss bucket most days. Here's how a day around here goes:

7:30-8am- Wake up. He's happy (Praise Jesus!). Change diaper, unswaddle, and get bottle ready.

8am-ish- Feed baby. Pray that he doesn't fuss or cry while feeding. Oh wait, he usually does. Fight  him trying to get him to eat 4 ounces and keep going back to feeding him until there's 1 ounce or less left in his bottle.

8:30-9ish- Play time. Talk to him, put him in the activity saucer, make funny faces and sounds to get him to smile and stop fussing, take him out and help him sit and stand up, carry him around and show him things around the house, baby wear if necessary, attempt tummy time, pick up the paci 500 times as he spits it out on the floor, get a new paci, put fussy baby in the swing and turn on the mobile, turn on tv if desperate.

9/9:30am- 10:30/11am- Nap time.

1130/12ish- Wake up, unswaddle, make bottle, and feed baby. Rinse and repeat previous awake time and nap time schedule in 4 hour blocks until bedtime.

7/7:30pm- Bath time. His favorite time of the day. Followed by a night time bottle, book, prayer, and bedtime.

I do have to admit that his afternoon feedings get better throughout the day most days, but it seems like so many times we have good eating days and bad eating days where he screams at most feedings one day and for a few days he's fine with eating.

Our little man is definitely opinionated and must be entertained most of the time. When people hold him and he gets fussy, I'm constantly asked what to do to get him to stop and I tell them that I just try five different holds and pray that one works. He's super active and loves to be moving and wiggling around.

I have been told by a couple of people now that their babies were the same way and that around 5-6 months, they really had a turn around and ended up being happy babies. The pediatrician also noticed that he needs a lot of stimulation and movement to be happy and she said that although that's exhausting, that it's a good thing that he's so interested and alert. My mom said I was the same way so I guess it's genetic?!

I may not have the easiest baby on the block, but he's mine and I love him all the same.

Schedule Changes

I would have to say that I am definitely a fan of having some sort of routine/schedule with my baby. It's not something that is rigid or set in stone, but something that is flexible to go by since each and every day is different, but yet similar.

Last week Matthew switched from 4 naps per day to 3 naps per day. We've been working on extending his awake times since he would be fussy after only 45 minutes-1 hour and need a nap. I noticed that his first nap was a super short one lasting from 30-40 minutes on average and that his two middle naps were 2-3 hours long followed by one last short nap in the evening. He slept 11 hours total at night with waking up one time to eat about 5-6 hours from being put down and I couldn't help to think that it could be better. So, I decided to make the switch.

It went pretty well, but keeping him awake is sometimes difficult. The goal is that he's awake from 1.5-2 hours and sleeps for the same amount of time trying to get in a 4 hour block from one feeding to the next. Again, we're pretty flexible, so if he's hungry sooner or naps longer, we feed him when he's ready. He only eats between 4-5 ounces of formula at a time (if he finishes his bottle) so he needs to eat more often and doesn't end up eating a ton in a 24 hour period.

During our awake times, we are doing a number of things. One of his favorites is the swing which I try to use if he's fussy or I need to get something done. We've been trying to keep him off of his head more so we're using his new activity saucer and he is doing really well with it. He's a little short for his jumperoo so we're waiting until he's grown a couple of inches to really be able to get moving in that. He hates tummy time with a passion so we don't do that too often (also because the pediatrician said that it might make his reflux/tummy worse so we do it sparingly) but still try to do it daily most of the time.

He loves to be tickled and talked to with big expressions and will really laugh and smile more often now. He's still a high-maintenance baby (the pediatrician agrees) so he needs a lot of attention. We put him down for a nap when he's tired and shows some sign by being fussy, yawning, or rubbing his eyes and he's pretty good about going to sleep on his own especially now that we have the Baby Einstein soother attached to his crib.

The one BIG change we are doing is trying to put him down to bed earlier. He was going to bed around 9pm-ish, but we would have to wake him up to do his bath and he would end up wanting to party at 3:30am which is not cool for me. I'm hoping that putting him down earlier between 7:30-8pm will help with that problem and help him sleep longer since he'll be awake a little more before his bedtime and will wear him out a little bit more.

I'm still hoping that as he gets older, he'll be happier once he can do a little more. We're working on sitting and he tries really hard, but isn't quite there with balancing himself. It shouldn't be too long for that and for playing with toys (although the kid loves to nom on his hands every chance he gets) a little more intentionally.

Let It Go

Those are the words my mom keeps telling me. I'm trying, really I am, but I've always struggled with letting things go and letting things roll off of my back. I really don't know how. I've tried praying, sleeping it off, listening to music, zoning out in some way, taking a bath, going for a walk and they are all temporary fixes, but don't resolve the problem. I need resolution.

The best way for me to get over something is to get away from it. I need space and time to heal and feel better, but that's not an option right now. What can I do then? I have no idea. I know that if I work out then at least I feel better short term and long term. It helps me deal with daily stress better, but the first few weeks are hard, worth it, but oh so hard.

I feel pulled in so many directions right now. I'm trying to raise our son and take care of myself and my husband, but can't do it in the way that I need or want. Right now I'm in a position that is better for the long term of purchasing a home, but is getting more difficult by the week.

Refreshed

This weekend was exactly what I've needed. After having way too many melt downs and feeling so overwhelmed last week, we finally had a weekend where at the end of it, I feel calm and refreshed. No, this weekend wasn't without a fussy baby or anything, but it was still just what I've needed.

I've been working on telling people what I need. This weekend, I told my mother-in-law that I needed her to watch Matthew Saturday for a few hours. I needed to get out and I needed to spend some time with my husband. Thankfully, she obliged and we made a plan that they would watch him in the evening and even do his bed time routine so we could be out for a few hours.

Saturday was awesome. We woke up, got Matthew ready for the day and put him down for his first nap. It's his shortest nap of the day so I figured that we could let him sleep and afterwards, go get his picture taken with Santa. After he woke up, we fed him and that's what we set out to do.

He slept a total of 20-ish minutes in the car and wouldn't go back to sleep when we got there due to all of the excitement going on. We decided to go to the Bass Pro Shop to get his picture taken since they do a free 4x6 photo and I refused to spend $30 on pictures, especially if he cried through it (and let's be real, there was a good chance of that happening). When we got there the line was so long so we grabbed a "Bass Pass" to come back in an hour and bypass the line. Of course, by the time we came back, Matthew was super tired and fussy, but with the help of his paci, he did a great job for the picture!

While we were there, we even picked a trip we were planning on taking for our anniversary and got some great incentives with it! After the pictures, it was time to feed him and go home.
Saturday evening, Phil and I were able to go out to dinner. We ended up at Longhorn Steakhouse and it was so nice to have a dinner out that we didn't need to switch between who holds the baby and who eats. We were able to connect again just by talking and spending a few hours together.

Sunday, we ended up going to church and to a family Christmas party. We did a ton of laundry in between and watched Elf while doing chores.

Our weekend was nothing fancy, but it was so nice to be able to spend time together as a family and also just with my husband.

Matthew has an Upper GI Scan on Tuesday (Christmas Eve) which should take up to 6 hours. Please pray that the test goes well and that maybe we can have some answers on what's going on with our little man. It should be able to tell us if he has reflux and can also help to see the small intestine and if there is a problem with his stomach. We're praying this test (with the contrast dye) will go smoothly and that they won't want to follow it up with a scope (which he would have to be put under for).

Exhausted

I feel like I complain a lot lately and I really wish that wasn't the case. The truth is that I'm exhausted on a daily basis and have been for four months. I keep reading blogs and seeing IG and facebook pictures with people exclaiming that they have such a happy baby and I'm happy for them, but that's not the case over here.

Matthew's crying has been getting worse since starting solids and he is doing a new thing where he gags/shrieks and scrunches his whole body up in pain. It's happening more frequently now and he's inconsolable while he's having an episode. I've decided to stop solids for the time being until we can figure out what's going on.

He has a doctor's appointment tomorrow and they are going to do an upper GI scan to see if they can find a cause for all of these issues. The doctor told us at our appointment last week that if it was colic, it should be gone by now so she wanted us to monitor it. Now that it has gotten worse, we have an appointment and a new plan.

I am praying so hard that we can finally have some answers or that he is healed miraculously and we can all look back at this time and be so happy that he is doing better. Until then, I really need to find a way to have some more time away to help me not get overwhelmed.

I love our little boy so much and it's so hard to be going through this with him.

All I want for Christmas is a happy baby who likes to eat and is, of course, healthy.

Starting Solids

Now that Matthew is 4 months old (seriously, how did this happen?!), the doctors have been talking to us about starting solids. His reflux/stomach issues/crying at the bottle is still happening and he's not eating much throughout the day. We're still making 4oz bottles and it's now down to 6 times per day. He's eating less than he did at 2 months old, but is still growing well, so I'm trying to focus on that.

The hope is that the food will coat his esophagus and stomach and hopefully make eating the bottle a little more pleasant for him. He's currently trying squash as the rice cereal didn't go over so well and so far it's been ok. We've been instructed to let him eat as much or as little as he would like and to offer it twice per day so, breakfast and dinner.

We're starting off with vegetables and trying a new one every four days to see if he has a reaction. He's only eating between 1/2-3/4 of an ounce at each feeding which is funny since the pediatrician said that most kids eat 1/2-1 jar of baby food and they have 2.5oz in them. I guess we just have a baby with a small appetite.

I've decided to make most of our baby food here so I've been excited to get that started. It's super easy and I like knowing what goes in the food is what I've chosen for him. We do have some jarred foods so that we can take them and use the jars for traveling and when we go out and about.

So far, I've made squash, peas, and pears. We bought a Ninja Single Serve Pulse blender and use that to puree our baby foods and it's been great so far. I need to find a different ice cube tray for baby foods since the ones we got at Walmart aren't the greatest and the foods stick in there and won't come out.

I'm hoping that he will continue to do well with the new foods and that his fussiness will start to subside as he gets more to eat and gets a little older. I was really interested in trying baby led weaning, but I guess that's not what's best for our little guy at the moment. Oh well, maybe next time.

Being a Mom

For years I've looked forward to being a mom. Sure, I knew it would not always be easy, but it's something that I've wanted more than anything.

Then, it happened and my life changed completely. I am not responsible for a little boy who I love so much. It was a journey to get him here and we are so happy that he is healthy and safe. There are so many things I love about being a mom, but I would be lying if I said it was awesome 100% of the time. 

I've been struggling with something for quite a while now. My husband knows, and I will be talking to someone about it starting this week.

The truth is, I feel robbed.

Robbed of the first moments to spend with my son after he was born. Instead of getting that hour of skin-to-skin time after delivery, I was given a few minutes before he was whisked away for two hours to make sure that he was breathing ok. I remember them bringing him back to me and looking at him and it was just surreal. I didn't have that overwhelming sense of love that everyone talks about getting when they first held their baby.

Robbed of the new baby-ness and just being able to take things as they come along. Matthew had a rough start with reflux, stomach issues, and a (now fixed) hernia. This meant that from weeks 3-9 of his life, there was a lot of crying all the time, every time he ate. Then, he would cry in his sleep because he was uncomfortable so he was crying on and off all day. It became very frustrating as we saw doctor upon doctor to try to get him help so he could feel better.

At this point I'm drained, both physically and emotionally. I have a lot of good days, but lately have been having days where I'm just drained. I just want my baby to feel better and for me to feel like a good mom again. Every time he starts to do better, something else comes along and it's just one thing after another. 

I love my son and know that this is only a short period in his life and things will get better. I also know that this is a lot harder on me than it is on him. Thank goodness for that.

I can't wait to start feeling better and being able to get out of the house for a few, even if it's to talk to someone who understands and doesn't judge.