Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Exhaustion and Irrational Fears

I'm exhausted. I feel like I can never get enough done. My apartment will never be clean enough, I will never be able to start my career, and I will never get married to the person I love and be a mother. These are the thoughts that have been plaguing my mind lately. I know they are irrational, but sometimes I just can't get past them.

My apartment is an older apartment with old linoleum. I can mop it, sweep it, and vacuum it, but it never looks clean. Phil will tell me that, "At least it looks shiny." Shiny is nice, but it's so dingy it always looks dirty, not to mention the fact that whenever I do mop it, something falls on it immediately after it's clean. Oh well.

Space is also an issue. It's a small apartment and it suits me just fine until I want everything put away. There's just not enough storage and I can't even put nails in the wall because the drywall cracks. Help!

I don't know what to do about starting my career. It looks like I will be in school another two years for my Master's degree before I can even start teaching. Will it ever happen? And I might just have to be a high school Social Studies teacher....because I love history. Apparently it's going to happen and I will just have to learn all about it.

On the marriage front I have had two, count them, two failed engagements. Yes, calling them off was the best thing, but it gets hard when you want something so badly and there is no end in sight. I love Phil so much, but we aren't even in a position to think about getting engaged, let alone married right now. He needs a good job and with the economy the way it is and the fact that he is in the geography/GIS/cartography line of work, there aren't a whole bunch of jobs opening up right now. Even so, I don't think he would pop the question any time soon. As much as I would love it, he has to be ready and we're just not there yet despite the many, many people who think we're really great together. Seriously, random people ask all the friggin' time if we are married and why we aren't.

Well because of the previous thought this just leads me to think I will never have kids. There really is no reason to think this, but I do all the same.

I realize all of these things are irrational, but can't help it. I'm insecure and exhausted. I'm tired of wanting these things and not feeling as though I have them or even will. I know that God tells me it is all going to happen and I know it will happen in his time, but I long for a husband and I love Phil. He is the best thing that has happened to me. My dad approves, everyone likes him, and he's truly amazing. I just need to be more secure and trust in God.

I need a nap.

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