Monday, December 29, 2008

Moving On

This move is coming up really quickly. In just two short days everything is going to change. I am really looking forward to the change of scenery. There has been a lot going on for a while and it will be good to be closer to the boyfriend and hopefully be less stressed. I still have some packing to do, but we really got a lot done this past Friday! I am totally looking forward to moving on. I'm working on the saying, "Let go and let God!" That is a very difficult thing many times mainly because I like to try to do things myself. Of course, that just get's me into trouble, but it's a work in progress.

I have mixed emotions about leaving. Part of me will miss the boys, but the other part is relief. I know that there have been many struggles over the past 16 months and it will be so great to be rid of them. Each day becomes increasingly difficult as the days continue. Luckily it is only two more days and there's still a great deal of packing to be done....

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Is it really too much to ask?

Everything went well when I told my employers that I would like to move to Maryland and pursue new opportunities out there. It was really a great to be able to get that off of my chest and to have it be so positive!

I met with the agency today. It makes me very comfortable to be able to work with professionals who will refer me to their clients and have my interests at heart. They help with taxes, getting benefits as an individual, and giving papers with helpful questions and information to pick the right family. When I asked what the average salary I was told between $12-$15/hour. Ok, I thought, not so bad. This gives me a good reference of what I should charge, a question that I often struggle with.

I have been interviewing with a couple of families so far. I was offered a position last week in D.C. with a great family. Unfortunately I got one of my "feelings" that it wasn't right so I declined that offer. There was another family last weekend that was met with, but you couldn't pay me enough to work for this woman! She made me feel as though I was not good enough for her and her child. She also said she doesn't believe in discipline, and boy you could tell with her two year old! This brings me to the first family that the agency has referred me to. A position not far from the boyfriend (!). I have an interview with them tomorrow morning. The stats: twin one-month old babies and a three year old little girl. It's definitely a lot of work, but who says I'm not up for a challenge? The question, how much should I ask for?

I am constantly second guessing the salary question because I have been underpaid for many positions because I will not stand my ground with how much I am worth. Today someone emailed me about a position for 50 hours/week for two children both under 3 years. They asked what I charge and because I looked up the information from where you can put in a zip code, years of experience, and the number of children and it gives you a rate. It said $14/hr so when I emailed her back I let her know I wanted $13-$15/hr. I even called my mom who said I was not over-charging especially since the agency and website both gave similar rates. For the record, being a nanny you do not get time and a half for overtime, just a basic, flat rate for all of the hours worked. Well, to my surprise the woman emailed me back saying that she is willing to offer $350/week to watch her two children from 7am-5pm M-F. Ummm....say what?

Am I going crazy here? I could have sworn that $7/hr is insulting for someone who is watching your two children for 50 hours a week! Apparently I should be able to live off of that salary, you know with having to rent some place to accept that job. Ya, sure.

What are your thoughts?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Thank you...

Thank you for not believing in me. For putting me down and making me feel like nothing. Thank you for being not so supportive when I needed it most. You are great at calling me up and gloating or needing someone to hear you complain about your life where everything is handed to you. Thank you for ending a conversation time and time again when I am clearly upset and just need someone to listen. Thank you for making me feel alienated and not good enough and competing with my life as if you don't already have enough. You are supposed to be the one that I call for anything and be on my side, instead, you want my life, yet want to be better than me in everything you do. You claim to be my best friend, family, boss, etc, but you really don't care about me unless it benefits you in some way. Sure, you like to hear about my life when it is going crappy, just to feel better about yourself. You may pretend to be there for a minute or two, but when that time is up you say you have to go or just ignore me. You are great at not wanting to stop talking when something is going on with you or if you need something, anything really.

Here's the problem...

I'm tired of it. Tired of putting up with all of this crap for so long. You put me down and want to take the joy and happiness from me. Guess what, that's really too bad. You are jealous of me and I get it. In fact, I completely understand why. For some it may be the fact that no matter how many times I have failed God has pulled me through. He has been making me stronger and stronger through all of the hard times and struggles and you wish you could be the same way. Instead, you are stuck in a dead end relationship, living situation, job, whatever. For others it might be that you see that I have been making good decisions to better my life. I am taking courses online and have just over a year to earn my bachelor's degree to do something I have dreamed of since I was a child. You decided not to finish your degree and feel intimidated by the fact that I am pushing through to earn mine. Or how about this one, after years and years of bad relationships I am finally in one where there is a solid future ahead. That's right. I have a well-educated man who loves me for me, treats me with respect and kindness, and has integrity. I don't have to worry about my boyfriend going behind my back for anything or for anyone else. You think that he's "dorky" and would prefer someone "cool." Well, here's something for you to chew on... would you rather have someone who loves you and is a little "dorky" and never have to worry about your relationship or would you rather have someone "cool" who you constantly have to call and check up on them or worry about where they are or why haven't they shown up or called? It's a no-brainer, really.

You see, you may be able to bring me down for a little while, but ultimately I have a few things on my side. I have a relationship with God who provides and is in control. Although I may worry about things from my past or present or even future situation, I can have confidence that God is going to use these things for His glory. I have a couple of friends who, no matter what, have stuck by me through thick and thin. They don't care what I go through and won't leave me hanging if I have a need. It goes both ways like it should. And lastly, I have a man in my life that I love and I know loves me. He doesn't put me down or make me feel bad about myself for anything. He is there to listen, give me a hug, and be my best friend.

So, next time you think about how sad my life is, look in the mirror and realize that maybe it's not me you feel sorry for, it's you. End of story.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Friday Fun

Ok, so it's not exactly a secret that I look forward to the end of the work week to start off the weekend. I mean, seriously, after working a 50+ hour week with two boys ages five and two I really look forward to spending some time with the boyfriend!

I think the distance makes it all the better. Ya, it sucks being three hours away and only being able to have phone/im conversations throughout the week, but the weekends make it totally worth it. He's an amazing guy and I really am lucky!

This weekend I am estatic to go see him mainly because I have his birthday present all wrapped up and ready to give him! I am one of those people who love to do things for other people and when I get a present for someone there is this need to give it to them asap so that they can enjoy it. Plus, I kind of have this problem of not being able to keep the surprise to myself and tend to blurt it out...oops. Luckily, my boyfriend loves me for all my flaws and actually finds it cute and I'm sure somewhat amusing...huh.

I also baked cupcakes for the occasion! I know he and his dad love it when I bring up cookies, cupcakes, and things like that so I get really excited to do that as well! Serioulsy, this makes me entirely too happy :)

On Fridays I literally count down the hours and minutes before I can leave. It's this feeling that I want to get out and start with the fun! Not that my job isn't fun, I just really miss the boyfriend after a week apart! Aside from that the little one is going through "terrible two's" and sounds like a veloci-raptor everytime he screams. Oh the joys of *almost* parenting.

I have been pretty much ready to go now for about an hour and a half with everything packed waiting until my shift is over. Can you say anxious much lately? Ah well, twenty one more minutes until my weekend freedom, that is, unless my bosses are feeling gracious to let me off just a little early...please?

Monday, September 15, 2008

Seasons of Change

Throughout life there is change. Change is inevitable and you can not escape it. Change can be both good and bad, but even if it is the best thing why do I still get anxious and apprehensive about it? Right now I need change to grow, I have set out and thouroughly thought about it, prayed about it, sought out counsel on the matter and everything seems to be lining up well for the change, but I can't help but to feel apprehensive and unsure to an extent.

I understand being unsure and apprehensive as part of the deal, seriously with big change there is always the uncertainty of "what if" looming in the background. I just wish I could get rid of the thoughts involved with it. The people I have talked to agree that it is the best move for me and needs to happen. Then why do I still question it?

It's always easy even when you don't like something to become comfortable in it. It's difficult to break up the certainty and comfort to do something else. Uncertainty seems to be the one thing that really hits me. I know that God tells me this is what He wants me to do and I believe and agree it is the best option. He has never steered me wrong so far!

Another thing I would like is to have more options. The one I have is definitely better than the current situation, but there will be a period of struggling in order to make it work. I strongly believe that God will sometimes as you to make changes and be uncomfortable for a time in order to bless you and to draw closer to Him. It seems that this is the only option really presenting itself and sometimes, that's just how it is.

I have pretty much made the decision that the change needs to happen. Unfortunately that doesn't relieve all of the worries that are there. I know that I can look to my support system and most importantly to God to get me through all of this!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


It is no secret that my job is both difficult and rewarding....let's face it, I'm a nanny. But sometimes things are more one way than the other. Right now it's a little more difficult. Normally I am able to handle many situations and have been called "Supernanny" from time to time by both my previous and current bosses, but sometimes things are a little more beyond my control.

I am having a particularly difficult time in many areas right now. It's not uncommon to go through "phases" with kids, but what about the unit as a whole? I find my patience has been diminishing greatly and no matter how hard I try I'm becoming more apathetic in general. Unfortunately this tends to affect my relationship.

I am in a relationship with seriously the best boyfriend ever! I am incredibly lucky to have him and thank God everyday for placing him in my life. The downside, other than the distance, is that when I'm down about something it consumes me which means I bring it into the relationship. He's a wonderful man and lets me go on and on as much as I like, but ultimately it is draining him as well as me. I think I need a new approach.

I have been thinking about this a lot today. There are many things that I can not change, but some things I can. I am a strong believer on the thought that you choose your attitude positive or negative. Clearly, I am choosing to let stress and other things take control instead of giving it up to God and letting him take control. This may be incredibly hard to do, but I value my relationship way more than letting this consume me and tear it down.

My boyfriend is so incredibly amazing and supportive! I am determined to do the right thing and change my outlook to see the positives! God is good and I just need to trust Him to get me through this!