Monday, December 23, 2013


This weekend was exactly what I've needed. After having way too many melt downs and feeling so overwhelmed last week, we finally had a weekend where at the end of it, I feel calm and refreshed. No, this weekend wasn't without a fussy baby or anything, but it was still just what I've needed.

I've been working on telling people what I need. This weekend, I told my mother-in-law that I needed her to watch Matthew Saturday for a few hours. I needed to get out and I needed to spend some time with my husband. Thankfully, she obliged and we made a plan that they would watch him in the evening and even do his bed time routine so we could be out for a few hours.

Saturday was awesome. We woke up, got Matthew ready for the day and put him down for his first nap. It's his shortest nap of the day so I figured that we could let him sleep and afterwards, go get his picture taken with Santa. After he woke up, we fed him and that's what we set out to do.

He slept a total of 20-ish minutes in the car and wouldn't go back to sleep when we got there due to all of the excitement going on. We decided to go to the Bass Pro Shop to get his picture taken since they do a free 4x6 photo and I refused to spend $30 on pictures, especially if he cried through it (and let's be real, there was a good chance of that happening). When we got there the line was so long so we grabbed a "Bass Pass" to come back in an hour and bypass the line. Of course, by the time we came back, Matthew was super tired and fussy, but with the help of his paci, he did a great job for the picture!

While we were there, we even picked a trip we were planning on taking for our anniversary and got some great incentives with it! After the pictures, it was time to feed him and go home.
Saturday evening, Phil and I were able to go out to dinner. We ended up at Longhorn Steakhouse and it was so nice to have a dinner out that we didn't need to switch between who holds the baby and who eats. We were able to connect again just by talking and spending a few hours together.

Sunday, we ended up going to church and to a family Christmas party. We did a ton of laundry in between and watched Elf while doing chores.

Our weekend was nothing fancy, but it was so nice to be able to spend time together as a family and also just with my husband.

Matthew has an Upper GI Scan on Tuesday (Christmas Eve) which should take up to 6 hours. Please pray that the test goes well and that maybe we can have some answers on what's going on with our little man. It should be able to tell us if he has reflux and can also help to see the small intestine and if there is a problem with his stomach. We're praying this test (with the contrast dye) will go smoothly and that they won't want to follow it up with a scope (which he would have to be put under for).

Thursday, December 19, 2013


I feel like I complain a lot lately and I really wish that wasn't the case. The truth is that I'm exhausted on a daily basis and have been for four months. I keep reading blogs and seeing IG and facebook pictures with people exclaiming that they have such a happy baby and I'm happy for them, but that's not the case over here.

Matthew's crying has been getting worse since starting solids and he is doing a new thing where he gags/shrieks and scrunches his whole body up in pain. It's happening more frequently now and he's inconsolable while he's having an episode. I've decided to stop solids for the time being until we can figure out what's going on.

He has a doctor's appointment tomorrow and they are going to do an upper GI scan to see if they can find a cause for all of these issues. The doctor told us at our appointment last week that if it was colic, it should be gone by now so she wanted us to monitor it. Now that it has gotten worse, we have an appointment and a new plan.

I am praying so hard that we can finally have some answers or that he is healed miraculously and we can all look back at this time and be so happy that he is doing better. Until then, I really need to find a way to have some more time away to help me not get overwhelmed.

I love our little boy so much and it's so hard to be going through this with him.

All I want for Christmas is a happy baby who likes to eat and is, of course, healthy.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Starting Solids

Now that Matthew is 4 months old (seriously, how did this happen?!), the doctors have been talking to us about starting solids. His reflux/stomach issues/crying at the bottle is still happening and he's not eating much throughout the day. We're still making 4oz bottles and it's now down to 6 times per day. He's eating less than he did at 2 months old, but is still growing well, so I'm trying to focus on that.

The hope is that the food will coat his esophagus and stomach and hopefully make eating the bottle a little more pleasant for him. He's currently trying squash as the rice cereal didn't go over so well and so far it's been ok. We've been instructed to let him eat as much or as little as he would like and to offer it twice per day so, breakfast and dinner.

We're starting off with vegetables and trying a new one every four days to see if he has a reaction. He's only eating between 1/2-3/4 of an ounce at each feeding which is funny since the pediatrician said that most kids eat 1/2-1 jar of baby food and they have 2.5oz in them. I guess we just have a baby with a small appetite.

I've decided to make most of our baby food here so I've been excited to get that started. It's super easy and I like knowing what goes in the food is what I've chosen for him. We do have some jarred foods so that we can take them and use the jars for traveling and when we go out and about.

So far, I've made squash, peas, and pears. We bought a Ninja Single Serve Pulse blender and use that to puree our baby foods and it's been great so far. I need to find a different ice cube tray for baby foods since the ones we got at Walmart aren't the greatest and the foods stick in there and won't come out.

I'm hoping that he will continue to do well with the new foods and that his fussiness will start to subside as he gets more to eat and gets a little older. I was really interested in trying baby led weaning, but I guess that's not what's best for our little guy at the moment. Oh well, maybe next time.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Being a Mom

For years I've looked forward to being a mom. Sure, I knew it would not always be easy, but it's something that I've wanted more than anything.

Then, it happened and my life changed completely. I am not responsible for a little boy who I love so much. It was a journey to get him here and we are so happy that he is healthy and safe. There are so many things I love about being a mom, but I would be lying if I said it was awesome 100% of the time. 

I've been struggling with something for quite a while now. My husband knows, and I will be talking to someone about it starting this week.

The truth is, I feel robbed.

Robbed of the first moments to spend with my son after he was born. Instead of getting that hour of skin-to-skin time after delivery, I was given a few minutes before he was whisked away for two hours to make sure that he was breathing ok. I remember them bringing him back to me and looking at him and it was just surreal. I didn't have that overwhelming sense of love that everyone talks about getting when they first held their baby.

Robbed of the new baby-ness and just being able to take things as they come along. Matthew had a rough start with reflux, stomach issues, and a (now fixed) hernia. This meant that from weeks 3-9 of his life, there was a lot of crying all the time, every time he ate. Then, he would cry in his sleep because he was uncomfortable so he was crying on and off all day. It became very frustrating as we saw doctor upon doctor to try to get him help so he could feel better.

At this point I'm drained, both physically and emotionally. I have a lot of good days, but lately have been having days where I'm just drained. I just want my baby to feel better and for me to feel like a good mom again. Every time he starts to do better, something else comes along and it's just one thing after another. 

I love my son and know that this is only a short period in his life and things will get better. I also know that this is a lot harder on me than it is on him. Thank goodness for that.

I can't wait to start feeling better and being able to get out of the house for a few, even if it's to talk to someone who understands and doesn't judge.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Trying To Do The Right Thing

I have a lot on my mind tonight. You see, last year I volunteered at our church once a week with one of the kid's groups there. I wasn't planning on going back this year with having Matthew, but I was asked to come back. The kids are super rowdy and they were having a hard time getting things under control. I agreed to go, check it out, and help until they could get things up and running without me.

I went in and basically came up with a whole new system for the group. It's what I do. When I nannied, I would go in and fix things when the kids were having less than desirable behavior. I like to do things like that and create systems that work. After talking to the man in charge, we agreed that I would come up with a new system and he was 100% on board and asked the other volunteers to do the same.

Last week I brought in packets with how things would go so that everyone would be on the same page. The man in charge read it over ahead of time and really liked it. He even would stop by that night and told me at the end that he could see this really working!

Then, I got an email the next day asking me to have a meeting with a couple of the volunteers. It's a husband-wife duo and I know the wife isn't thrilled with me or possibly the changes I've made. No one will tell me anything other than the meeting is to work out any issues we may have. Umm, I didn't know there were any issues except for the ones I was fixing, but ok.
At this point, I'm left feeling confused and defeated. I spent hours putting this plan together and it was really going well. The kids need consistency and stability so we need to come up with one plan and stick with it no matter what. 

I was asked to come in and do this job and I am, but someone doesn't like it and it is what it is. I don't like leaving my family to go and help out if I'm not wanted so if things don't go well at the meeting, I guess I will graciously back down.

I'm just doing what's best for all of the parties involved, but I think it's a power struggle. The funny thing is that I don't need to be in control. The moment I walked in, everyone turned to me and let me take over. They asked me what to do about every situation so I made judgement calls as needed.

I guess I'll find out on Wednesday what the deal is, but for now, I'm being kept in the dark and that makes me feel anxious.