For years I've looked forward to being a mom. Sure, I knew it would not always be easy, but it's something that I've wanted more than anything.
Then, it happened and my life changed completely. I am not responsible for a little boy who I love so much. It was a journey to get him here and we are so happy that he is healthy and safe. There are so many things I love about being a mom, but I would be lying if I said it was awesome 100% of the time.
I've been struggling with something for quite a while now. My husband knows, and I will be talking to someone about it starting this week.
The truth is, I feel robbed.
Robbed of the first moments to spend with my son after he was born. Instead of getting that hour of skin-to-skin time after delivery, I was given a few minutes before he was whisked away for two hours to make sure that he was breathing ok. I remember them bringing him back to me and looking at him and it was just surreal. I didn't have that overwhelming sense of love that everyone talks about getting when they first held their baby.
Robbed of the new baby-ness and just being able to take things as they come along. Matthew had a rough start with reflux, stomach issues, and a (now fixed) hernia. This meant that from weeks 3-9 of his life, there was a lot of crying all the time, every time he ate. Then, he would cry in his sleep because he was uncomfortable so he was crying on and off all day. It became very frustrating as we saw doctor upon doctor to try to get him help so he could feel better.
At this point I'm drained, both physically and emotionally. I have a lot of good days, but lately have been having days where I'm just drained. I just want my baby to feel better and for me to feel like a good mom again. Every time he starts to do better, something else comes along and it's just one thing after another.
I love my son and know that this is only a short period in his life and things will get better. I also know that this is a lot harder on me than it is on him. Thank goodness for that.
I can't wait to start feeling better and being able to get out of the house for a few, even if it's to talk to someone who understands and doesn't judge.