I did not post a McFatty Monday post this week mainly because I didn't work and totally forgot to weigh myself and only went to the gym once last week because of the insane scheduling with the kids I watch and their spring break.
I made it to the gym yesterday for Body Combat and it kicked my butt. Today has been another long day with the kids as the two girls were out of school for their last day of spring break so I had them all day and the little man for all but three hours of today's work day which is a total of 10 hours.
Yesterday was a great day! I love every minute of my "extra" days off and feel so alive, accomplished, focused, and refreshed. I am super positive and feel on top of the world! Then there are days like today where I battle back and forth between feeling pretty good and not good enough.
Right now I feel exhausted from just being with the kids all day and the heat. We ran some errands today, drove to and from preschool, and had to manage a day of "can I do this? well, what about this?" I'm pretty laid back on these days and unless we have something planned, they can have fun and do whatever suits their fancy within reason.
I was watching the Celebrity Fit Club Season Finale during nap time while the girls played outside and watched a show and played in the basement and noticed how these people feel about themselves after the 9 week program they are on. It's been about 6 weeks since I've been more active and have been striving to eat better and about a month since I've given up soda and I still feel terrible. I look in the mirror at myself during the classes and am honestly disgusted with what I see and feel defeated.
I'm tired of putting in so much effort and drinking so much water that I have to go to the bathroom every 10-15 minutes. I did it for a few days a couple of weeks ago and today I'm going to make the 1 gallon of water a day goal! I'm hoping to make it everyday and that my body will adjust, but it's just very consuming to be constantly drinking water and feeling slochy. It's exhausting when it's so hot outside and all I want to do is go home and sleep. I've been putting in so much effort these past weeks and don't have much to show for it and it is not for lack of effort!
I miss when I was younger and I was comfortable with my body and could do more physically. I am the biggest person in all of the classes I take and it is terrible to look around and see how much everyone else can do and the little that I can really do. It also makes me feel bad to see how many people are working out and are healthier looking overall. I want to be there, to be the one that is healthy and in shape. It's not about being stick thin--because I will never be thin, it's just not in my genes--it's about being healthy and in good shape to do what I want to do without being overexerted.
It's been a tough road getting to my heaviest and it will be even tougher to get to be healthy again. I will have to face all of the demons that are in my past and overcome them to get to where I need and want to be.