Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I feel lost. I'm not sure what to really feel right now. I have hope still, but feel lost all the same. I have no idea what to do and how to act. It has been confirmed by our pastor that we definitely are compatible. He also said that he sees it working out and that the feelings I want Phil to have for me are there. I just wonder why he can't see it. To everyone else it is obvious, but to him, it is all clouded. I know he's scared and that's ok, but there comes a point where you sit there and see all of the things staring back at you. The realization needs to come and I am not to force it, it is something he must figure out on his own. We are supposed to have some time in the near future to spend apart, not from the relationship, but physically from each other. This is all in hopes that he figures out the answers he is looking for. I'm afraid it won't work and that he will be so confused. I don't think he realizes how good he has it and what he would do without me. I am hoping this is what comes about from the spending time apart. His mom seems to think that I have been really good for him and that he has grown so much and is a lot happier with me in his life. I want him to see that too. I am tired of hoping. Tired of praying. Tired of trying to figure it all out. I am at the last strand of the rope. I have given it up to God and tried to fix it still. This time I'm too exhausted to fight it and try to fix it all. God, you can have it, please take this from me. I love him with all of my heart and I know that he loves me. Give him the realization and assurance he needs. Show him the way, Father. Guide us on your path and let us not be lost anymore. Amen.