Insecurities

I have really good days and really bad days. Sometimes it's just too much. I definitely felt that way on and off this weekend. It's just hard to get through and when those times hit I can either move on positively or get really down.

I have a lot of insecurities at the moment. Today was definitely better, but I feel as though Satan is coming after me with both barrels loaded. There's really no reason why I feel the way I do, but it happens. I need God to get me through this one. It's a lot for Phil to handle and he is so incredible, but my strength needs to come from God. He gives me comfort and security. I don't know how I am going to get through this all, but I do have God in control and an amazing man by my side who always tells me how great I am and how much he loves me.

I have more than I could ask for.

Exhaustion and Irrational Fears

I'm exhausted. I feel like I can never get enough done. My apartment will never be clean enough, I will never be able to start my career, and I will never get married to the person I love and be a mother. These are the thoughts that have been plaguing my mind lately. I know they are irrational, but sometimes I just can't get past them.

My apartment is an older apartment with old linoleum. I can mop it, sweep it, and vacuum it, but it never looks clean. Phil will tell me that, "At least it looks shiny." Shiny is nice, but it's so dingy it always looks dirty, not to mention the fact that whenever I do mop it, something falls on it immediately after it's clean. Oh well.

Space is also an issue. It's a small apartment and it suits me just fine until I want everything put away. There's just not enough storage and I can't even put nails in the wall because the drywall cracks. Help!

I don't know what to do about starting my career. It looks like I will be in school another two years for my Master's degree before I can even start teaching. Will it ever happen? And I might just have to be a high school Social Studies teacher....because I love history. Apparently it's going to happen and I will just have to learn all about it.

On the marriage front I have had two, count them, two failed engagements. Yes, calling them off was the best thing, but it gets hard when you want something so badly and there is no end in sight. I love Phil so much, but we aren't even in a position to think about getting engaged, let alone married right now. He needs a good job and with the economy the way it is and the fact that he is in the geography/GIS/cartography line of work, there aren't a whole bunch of jobs opening up right now. Even so, I don't think he would pop the question any time soon. As much as I would love it, he has to be ready and we're just not there yet despite the many, many people who think we're really great together. Seriously, random people ask all the friggin' time if we are married and why we aren't.

Well because of the previous thought this just leads me to think I will never have kids. There really is no reason to think this, but I do all the same.

I realize all of these things are irrational, but can't help it. I'm insecure and exhausted. I'm tired of wanting these things and not feeling as though I have them or even will. I know that God tells me it is all going to happen and I know it will happen in his time, but I long for a husband and I love Phil. He is the best thing that has happened to me. My dad approves, everyone likes him, and he's truly amazing. I just need to be more secure and trust in God.

I need a nap.

An accidental three day weekend!

Ok, so it might not have been that great to start off with, but it happened none the less. I had gotten used to working full days Monday-Thursdays 8am-6pm with the kids for two weeks after we got back from California. It's hard work, but I love having Fridays off to spend with Phil since he works on Saturdays. It gives us some extra "do whatever we want" time and I truly love it!

I did have a week or maybe two with my Monday-Friday schedule and volunteering at a school on the days I go in late since then, but apparently this week was destined to be Monday-Thursday with Friday being off.

It started on Monday. I was called in an hour early to come and get M. She was staying home from school with strep and she had a stomach virus over the weekend. When I went to pick up D from school, I found out he had the stomach virus and while we were picking up Morgan's Rx from the grocery store, he got sick :( After his parents took him to the dr.'s office that night we found out that he too had strep.Luckily the oldest hasn't come down with anything as of yet and neither has the mom.

This brings me to how I got yesterday off. I woke up at 4:30am feeling really sick. I waited until 5:45am before I called off per Phil's suggestion. Yes, indeed, I have the stomach virus. Luckily it is a 24 hour bug and I am much better today! Yesterday was awful and Phil took me to the dr.'s to make sure I didn't have strep. It was surprisingly cheap for not having insurance. It only cost $55! My Rx was free...thank you Giant for your free antibiotic offer, as I happily obliged.

Also, since my sister was diagnosed about two years ago with type 2 diabetes, I have been a little paranoid seeing as I am about 30 pounds heavier than she is. The doctor found no sugar in the test and said I am not diabetic! They weren't even supposed to check that, but God loves to do little things like that to let you know he cares. I'm super estatic I don't have diabetes.

As for today, I have some grocery shopping to do, maybe some vaccuuming, moping, or light cleaning. I don't want to over do it with how I was yesterday. I am excited to be picking up some fruit and salad at the market and am loving that soooo many things are 10 for $10!

April showers bring May flowers

It's finally spring time...yay! I love spring; the weather gets warmer, flowers start to bloom, and it makes me think of picnics, parks, and bright colors. It's definitely been different here in Maryland than in California or even Virginia for that matter. We had some snow just a couple of weeks ago, nothing big, but I did have to scrape off my windows. I know Phil loves snow, so if he's happy, I'm happy.

I'm also super excited to report that I am on an adult co-ed softball team and our first game is tomorrow! I played for the first time on a team in eight years last Sunday in a scrimmage and was actually pretty darn good if I do say so myself :) I play competitively with the other women on the team and I'm definitely not the worst player...woo hoo! The only problem is that I am sooo out of shape, I hurt for three days afterwards. Gah. I did work out with my wii the day before so that helped out I'm sure.

On the school front, I have an appointment with a UMBC counselor on Tuesday that is going to go over my trascripts and tell me what classes I will still need to take in order to get my teaching certification after I graduate. Fingers crossed that it will be only a couple of classes...please.

I'm looking forward to a fantastic week. It's been a good day with being able to spend the morning with Phil eventhough he had to go to work for the rest of the day. Just a little time with him is really great.

Back Home

The boyfriend and I had a great trip to California and are now back home! It was definitely a nice vacation, but nothing like coming home to the normalcy that I love.

I am happy to report that another vacation has been scheduled already! This one is going to be in August and the boyfriend, his parents, and I are travelling in their camper-trailer to Florida so that we can go to DisneyWorld!!! On the way back, we are stopping by the Outer Banks in North Carolina to go to the beach! I'm uber excited about this.

And there is one more exciting thing...I now have a Wii and a Wii fit that I absolutely love! Once again, major thanks to the boyfriend for totally pitching in for my birthday (as if he hasn't already done enough, I know ;). Because of my new Wii fit I worked out for 45 minutes yesterday!!! Surprisingly I was sore today too! I also did a little this morning before church and am going to do some tonight before I go to bed. And the boyfriend and I are eating better with more meals at home, less eating out. Can I get a heck yes for weight loss and getting healthy?!

What goes up must come down

This seems to be my hope at the moment. Ah, well not really, but it's fun to be overdramatic...don't you think? lol. Anywho, life happened again and I have to move by the end of April. It's normal in my life, sucks, but normal just the same.

On a better note, because of everything going on I filled my boyfriend's mom into my life thus far and she was incredibly receptive. I love him and his family so much and am incredibly thankful that they are so supportive and loving. I've definitely got it made on that front.

My job is going well. Difficult at times, but going well all the same. I get a lot done and the kids like me, depite the attitude issues...that's normal, right? Of course it is!

Only two weeks until we go to California :) Oh, it makes me so giddy to be able to visit and especially with the boyfriend. It will be so great to have him see where I grew up.

That's all for now. The boyfriend should be home any minute now :)

Bad Days

There are just some days where it seems that no matter what I can't seem to get out of this mood. I'm sure there are many reasons why I feel this way, but either way it bites. I'm moody, irritable, tired, and don't want to be around anyone let alone talk to anyone. It's just one of those days that no matter what, I'm stuck in a rut. I want to withdraw from everything and everyone. Bottom line is that I'm overwhelmed, stressed, and have too much to deal with. I just want to curl up on my couch with my electric throw, watch a movie, and go to sleep.